Duality -or- The Adventures of A Reluctant Stay-At-Home-Mom

Many of our faithful blog-stalkers are always hounding me to update the blog more frequently. I get it, the boys are cute, you guys can't get enough of them and think that now that I am not working I should have more time to write. Well, the truth is that since I lost my job, I have been too depressed to write. In my head, this is not how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to return to work, find full-time care for the boys, and have my cake and eat it to. I loved my job. In many ways it defined me. When I lost my job, I lost a huge chunk of my identity that I have not been able to recover.

So why this post? Why now?

As I was sitting at lunch with the twins today, I was really struck by just how lucky/fortunate/blessed/"whatever you want to call it" I am. I have this realization often (usually at meal times), but today it really struck me to the core. I have had time I would not have otherwise had with my little guys (Sam included) if I were working. In fact, I might not know them as well as I do if I weren't home with them all day. Our bond might not be as strong as it is if I weren't home with them all day.

When we first got the call about the boys last May, we toyed around with the possibility of my staying home to care for them. This idea was quickly dismissed for many reasons, including finances, their ages, and my desire to keep working. I created an FMLA plan with my boss that worked for me and the company, and by the time I got back from Colombia I could not wait to get back to work. I was barely off of my part-time schedule when Luis needed surgery, and I had only been back full-time for a month when they lowered the boom. Devastation. Anger. Despair. There weren't enough words in the English dictionary to cover what I felt. The upside was that it was the holidays and I had the boys' first Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's in their new home to keep me busy. Only now, the holidays have come and gone, and I am still (reluctantly) at home.

This month I am approaching the four month mark of unemployment. I still do not consider myself a stay-at-home-mother. I cannot take on that title. If I get too comfortable, if I get us into too much of a routine, if I start to call myself that, it will make it that much harder to go back to work when I do finally find that much needed job. Although, now I must say, I need the job not to define me, but because our bills are stacked up. So I live in this weird limbo - not a "working mom", not a "stay at home mom". I am just a mom, and I realized today that's OK because that is exactly what our boys need because they have not had anyone just be their mom (or dad) before. Sure they have a birthmother and a foster mother, but they have never had a bonafide, smother-you-with-hugs-and-kisses, wake-you-up-in-the-morning, walk-you-to-the-busstop, tell-you-just-how-awesome-and-adorable-you-really-are kind of mom (or dad) before. So when I have freak out moments about whether or not their emotions are "developing properly" for their ages or whether the twins will be ready for kindergarten because they aren't in pre-K, I try to remember that Troy and I have years of loving on them to make up first, everything else will take care of itself. Loving on them is the easy part, it is the cabin fever that I have to ward off!