People Never Cease To Dumbfound Me

I am sitting at a café that I like to frequent for their yummy sandwiches and free wi-fi. I have some freelance files that I need to upload to an FTP site so this seemed like a perfect fit for me today. Sadly, at lunch time the place is packed out and I the only seat I could find close to an outlet is way in the back where all of the Mommies have gathered for adult conversation while their kids run around and mash play dough on the table next to me. I actually didn't even really notice them until one of the moms pointed out that her child was being wild. I am just thankful to be able to plug my computer in so I can do what I need to do. I was making good progress too until a blog worthy event happened.

There is a toddler at the play dough table. He kept throwing stuff on the floor off of his table. (Isn't this what toddlers do? My beloved nephew Ethan - my only real measuring stick for toddler behavior - throws stuff all the time.) Then the future MLB pitcher's mother comes from another table and picks the items up, tells him not to do it again and apologizes to me. I tell her "no worries." And the dialogue proceeds like this:

Mommy: Well I guess you did sit in the kid section.

Andrea: Yeah I needed the outlet.

M: I am surprised the kids aren't on top of you mashing their fingers into your keyboard.

A: Ah, I am used to it, I have a niece and nephew. I wouldn't have noticed anyway.

M: Well, you should try having them in your house.

The next sound you hear is my jaw hitting the floor. How do you say to someone in an eloquent, non-yelling manner that you have in fact been trying to have a bundle of chaos of your own for four years? Also, not that it is any of her business, but I have lived with my niece and nephew, and I thought it was awesome (I know being Auntie is different from being mommy, but Liana and Ethan are still loads of fun).

The moral of the story here folks is don't express your "stages of life" opinions to strangers. You never know what other people have been through or are currently dealing with.

Expecting...

This has been a strange week so far. Two significant things happened that really got me thinking.

The first thing happened on Sunday at church. I saw this beautiful young couple standing together with their adorable daughter who looked like she must be less than one year old. The sadness and envy hit me like a lightning bolt. No matter how hard I try, I am never prepared for when this feeling will hit. It is more than a longing for something that I don't yet have. It is mourning for something that will never be. Our path is different.

The second thing happened yesterday at work. I was at an orientation for new full-time employees and as we went around the room introducing ourselves one of the women added that she and her husband recently found out that they are expecting. This is the point when I usually tear up and want to run out of the room so I can have a good cry. Unexpectedly, the opposite happened. I found myself genuinely joyful for her and cheering her on. Afterall, we are expecting too.

This is the constant state of flux that I live in from day-to-day. It is so hard to explain, and even harder for others who have not been in our situation to understand. We don't get the excitement of watching my belly grow, going to ultrasounds, and feeling the baby kick. We get to update our FBI clearances and wait on pins and needles for good news from our caseworker. I think that I have really been stuck on the waiting aspect of this whole process. In reality, Troy and I are truly expecting. We may have the gestational period of an elephant, but each day brings us closer to our children.