Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Expecting...

This has been a strange week so far. Two significant things happened that really got me thinking.

The first thing happened on Sunday at church. I saw this beautiful young couple standing together with their adorable daughter who looked like she must be less than one year old. The sadness and envy hit me like a lightning bolt. No matter how hard I try, I am never prepared for when this feeling will hit. It is more than a longing for something that I don't yet have. It is mourning for something that will never be. Our path is different.

The second thing happened yesterday at work. I was at an orientation for new full-time employees and as we went around the room introducing ourselves one of the women added that she and her husband recently found out that they are expecting. This is the point when I usually tear up and want to run out of the room so I can have a good cry. Unexpectedly, the opposite happened. I found myself genuinely joyful for her and cheering her on. Afterall, we are expecting too.

This is the constant state of flux that I live in from day-to-day. It is so hard to explain, and even harder for others who have not been in our situation to understand. We don't get the excitement of watching my belly grow, going to ultrasounds, and feeling the baby kick. We get to update our FBI clearances and wait on pins and needles for good news from our caseworker. I think that I have really been stuck on the waiting aspect of this whole process. In reality, Troy and I are truly expecting. We may have the gestational period of an elephant, but each day brings us closer to our children.

3 comments:

Laura said...

this was a good post. I would have never thought of those experiences like that unless I was in your situation. I am glad that you guys are expecting even though it's in a different way. It will be 3 times the joy & fun all at once! :o)

Nicole said...

How I remember those moments! I remember the first few years we were trying, EVERYONE was pregnant! Those feelings will pass as time goes by, promise. I had to let reality set in and mourn the "idea" of being pregnant and starting a family in the "common" way. It's funny, because I wouldn't change anything about how we got to where we are today.

On a diffent note, I was just adding up with my sil on all the delivery room births that I have witnessed. Do you know it came up to 7? I had a thought, always the bridesmaid, never the bride... No, Thanks.

My grandma tells me a story of her cousin who was adopted. He always told her that he felt sorry for her because his parents picked him and they had no choice with her. Ha.

Ange said...

Hi, this post I can identify with! I found your blog through another Colombia sibling adoption blog, and was happy to read of someone being honest about their feelings of childlessness.

God bless!